The Parent Resource Depot

He cannot STAND his half sister. She used to be wild (the mother isn’t exactly the most attentive, stable mother) and attack my step son. She is 4 years younger than him — he is 8, she is 4.

His mother just told us that he’s been saying mean, horrible things to his sister, and acting up HORRIBLY when he goes to visit over there. Please keep in mind that sure, we have SOME problems at home, but no more than any parent of an 8 year old would have. These things I’m about to describe he has been doing at her house for months, but would NEVER do in our home.

-Has been telling his sister “Mommy doesn’t love you. She loves me more, because she had me first.” When their mother says that’s not true, he says “She’s lying to you. She doesn’t love you.”

-When visiting his mother’s parents, his grandfather said “Are you giving my daughter attitude?” And he replied “Well, somebody has to.”

-Refuses to talk to his sister at ALL. She bothers him for attention and tries to play with him and he blatently ignroes her — that is, until he makes comments like I’ve posted above.

My husband and I were APPALLED by this behavior. Like I said, he would NEVER act that way at home, ever. We think it’s because she lets him get away with it and doesn’t discipline accordingly. She hasn’t been the best mother, but we know she tries as hard as she can.

We definitely think he’s just acting out at her house because he’s allowed to get away with it. We just want to know what the right thing to do would be. Would it be appropriate for us to discipline him at home for things he does at her house? We don’t want to step on HER toes as a parent, but we find this behavior to be repulsive! He would never try anything like that at our house because he knows he’d be in deep sh*t! We are at a loss as to what to do.

He already was in therapy once for issues awhile back. In case anyone wants to know it was because he was having major self esteem issues and fear because when he was staying at his mother’s (we never knew about this) he used to watch his mother’s boyfriend beat her up, then one day he hit him and threw him into a wall — that was when we found out and obviously he wasn’t allowed over there anymore until the boyfriend was in prison. He was in therapy for about a year, and then everything was fine so we agreed with the therapist to end the services. Since then his behavior has been fine at home, but apparently when he visits his mother, it’s been like this. Like I said he’d never try anything like this at home or school.

Advice? Thanks!
We have never taken away time with his mother, ever, and never would. She’s not the best parent ever but that doesn’t mean we would deny her time with him.

Parenting classes for our side of things aren’t necessary. I have a degree in early childhood education and have taken parenting classes in the past. Maybe his mother could use some?

I honestly think his only “issue” at this point is there are no boundaries at his mother’s house and she lets him say and do whatever he wants to. If we can’t get her to discipline him, I don’t know what to do.