The Parent Resource Depot

Question:
Until this past year we’d had very few problems with her because she was always a very sweet, mild-mannered child, but she has become increasingly aggressive, dishonest and difficult. She’s 14 and of course we are aware that 14-year-old girls are naturally challenging, but this goes beyond anything we were prepared for. We have two older sons who have given us very little grief in their teenage years. Only once was one of them even grounded. The oldest boy is starting Brown this fall. We also have two younger daughters who need our attention, and I’m currently watching my sister’s two kids while she is helping her husband after back surgery, and the entire family revolves around this one 14-year-old girl. She’s never been abused or neglected in any way, and her father and I divorced over three years ago and have never once fought in her presence and have bent over backwards to make things as smooth and stress-free as possible for the kids.

We’re at a loss as to how to control her now. This summer she has snuck out repeatedly, she took her older brother’s car for a joy-ride, she got drunk, she tried marijuana, and she stole from my drawer. We’ve grounded her, but she’s still snuck out, we’ve taken away her laptop and ipod but she still hasn’t behaved, and when we do punish her she’ll refuse to eat which is really worrisome since she’s underweight for her age as-is and we’re already concerned about eating disorders. We plan on getting her back into therapy on a regular basis, and are also trying to find the time to go to family counseling with her. Please don’t suggest that we send her to juvie or boot camp. What she’s done has been very draining, but we’re not going to send her somewhere she could get seriously harmed. She’s a beautiful, honor-roll student at a charter school for gifted kids, and we need suggestions on how to get her behavior back on track so our family get resume our lives and she won’t wreck her future. The kid has so much promise, and she’s destroying herself and us in the process. Advice?
Thanks for all the answers. For those who have asked about the gifted school, she’s actually attended one since she was five, so it’s not a new situation for her. Her father is very involved in her life. We’ve stayed in the same house since the divorce, and he bought a house in the same neighborhood to be near the kids. For the first year after the divorce, we took turns staying at an apartment when it was the other parent’s turn so that the kids never had to move anywhere, and we all went to family counseling that year just to make the transition as easy as possible on them.