Question:
Since I was around 8 years old, I was prescribed on and off of anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications. I had professional counseling because I suffered from excessive hair pulling, suicidal tendencies, and a very low self image, even as a child. When I was 3 years old I dealt with the hair pulling but now I’ve controlled it; however, it’s replaced by face picking and I simply can’t stop it. It makes my face look terrible and makes my self-worth go even further down the drain. I’ve tried to run away, I did drugs, I drank, I tried to overdose a few times and I used to burn myself. When I was younger I’d try to suffocate myself.
I struggle with having and keeping friends. I’ve dealt with many hurtful past relationships and even dealt with the deaths of past lovers recently, for which were “my fault” or so they wrote in their suicide notes.
My family suffers from this and we argue quite a lot. I hardly experience a time where all of us get along. My mother has depression and bipolar disorder and so does my father and brother.
My current relationship is the problem that I’m most concerned about. My boyfriend means the world to me, and I to him. We do everything for, and with, each other. We motivate each other to try hard and to be the best we can in our academics and schooling and life in general. We cheer each other up and I have never been happier and neither has he. Everything seems to melt away when I am with him, and just being around him or even thinking about him gives me a very warm feeling inside. I love him very much and he also loves me dearly. Everything is sunny with him and we do have our rough times but we patch them up nicely like a good, functional and rewarding relationship should.
However, my intense fear of death (ironic seeing as how I had a suicidal past) has gotten in the way of my relationship with him. I am afraid that now, since I have something in my life to be happy for, that I will die and no longer have him in my life. I’ve written a will to him and my family in case I do die because I want them to know how much they mean to me, especially my boyfriend.
Being raised an atheist by avid followers, I was conditioned not to believe in an after-life. My parents are basically anti-Christs and my boyfriend is religious, but a very open and flexible follower of the Christian faith. He believes that he will be happy after death and all I have to say is that all I can look forward to is blackness and this upsets him. However I cannot force myself to believe in heaven or hell. I am simply too used to the atheist “traditions.”
I believe that we are born, we live, and we die. I’ve had religious spouts in my life but I learned that no amount of praying would ever help me with my problems and therefore gave me a sense of hopelessness. If Jesus wouldn’t be there to love me, who would?
Basically, I have really bad depression to where sometimes I don’t feel like moving. I deal with a -very- messed up family life, an eating disorder that dramatically misconstrues my body-image (I am 110 pounds and feel that I am overweight) an intense fear of death and the “after-life” and a little bit of a substance problem. When I was a teen my parents punished me for the eating disorder. I never got along with my parents or felt a sense of belonging.
All of these things are tragically affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. He thinks that he can’t make me happy and it affects his self-esteem too, even though 90% of the time we’re laughing and enjoying time together. It’s not hurting me to the point where he is thinking about leaving me, but I am worried that it will get to that point. Any help, please?
